GayDadsUSA

The miracle, times two!

So, Mom is out of the hospital. Got back home last night. Turns out she took a pain pill on Saturday for her hip and that is what caused the horrible vomiting. It was the evil oxycontin. Even though her pain wasn't nearly as severe as before the surgery, it was still the most pain she had had in a week and so she took the last pill in the bottle. Big mistake. However, the good news is that as a result of all the tests while in the hospital, she did have a ct-scan of her brain and her abdominal area, and they were all clear! No return of the cancer. Definitely a gift from all of this mess.

As for my grandmother, she is in much better shape than even two days ago. She didn't have a stroke, though we still don't know what the cloudy stuff is that came up on the PET scan. Turns out she had a major mineral deficiency, brought on my not getting proper nutrients at home, and she had a huge chemical imbalance. Hopefully, both of them have learned lessons. Mom: Don't take pain pills again. She swears she's only going to take Tylenol from now on! Nana: Eat better. She swears she's going to be drinking those Boost/Ensure drinks!

As for my sister, I simply can't write about her any longer. If something major happens, I guess I will. But I'm learning--you would think I would know by now--that a blog is different than writing a book. I am writing a book about all of the events that have surrounded the adoption of Juli, and I am sure I will catch a lot of heat for it (though I'll make sure the book is vetted by a lawyer first!) but a blog needs to be more of a daily update sort of thing, I think, with some minimal personal details thrown in for clarity. Otherwise, I'm going to get into a virtual war with my sister and life is too short for me to do that.

In the meantime, time to celebrate!

Back in the hospital, times two

On the same day that Cheryl’s Mom died, my own grandmother was admitted to the hospital because apparently she had a stroke. I say “apparently” because it is still unclear what happened. However, the PET scan taken shows the front part of her brain to be “cloudy.” Her voice is slurred and the things she is saying are all over the place.  My aunt Ruby said she has talked a lot about me and my grandfather. I have spoken with Nana  a few times and she sounds better now than when I first spoke with her but “better” is compared to sounding frightening on Thursday.  She sounded so frail and vulnerable and confused. I guess she sounded it because that was, in fact, her state of being.

Seth had been busy rehearsing all last week and I’ve been with Juli a lot. I got the news about the stroke when I was with Juli. My aunt had sent me a text message. I read it, said aloud, “Oh, no.” Juli asked me what had happened. I told her and then immediately burst into tears. And then she started crying. It was one of those days.

I also felt horrible that my visits with her were so short when I was in Dallas a few weeks ago. I had specifically planned to spend several days with Nana, for hours at a time. However, it didn’t work out that way because of an incident between my sister and mom a few days earlier. Several days before Seth, Juli, and I were scheduled to go to Dallas/Fort Worth for his set of concerts with Betty Buckley, Mom kicked my sister out of her house. According to my sister, she was cursing at Mom about how Mom had pressured Juli's biological father into giving up his parental rights five years ago. Mom ended up giving her five hours to get out of her house. Unfortunately, for me and Juli and Seth, this meant Mom and Sis would not be traveling up to Dallas together to spend the weekend with Juli right before Mom’s hip surgery.  Seth and I would not have our date nights and my time with Nana would be cut short, as I knew Mom was not physically capable of doing much with Juli by herself. That was why I was counting on my sister.

When I learned of Nana’s condition on Thursday, and I was realizing there was a possibility, due to the stroke, that the Nana I had seen a few weeks ago may have been the closest to my “old” Nana that I will ever see, I was angry at my sister and disappointed in my mom.  I was disappointed in my mom for not following through with a therapist, because I feel if she had been seeing a therapist on a regular basis, as I do, Seth does, Juli does, then their relationship wouldn’t have reached such an explosive point as it did a few weeks ago. I have already insisted Mom see a therapist when she moves in with us and she has agreed.

I’m angry at my sister because she readily admits to her behavior and expresses no regrets for her actions. She is also unrepentant for what happened a few months ago. When Juli was back in Texas for a few days in April, while Seth and I were in NYC, my sister took Juli to meet her biological father, and one of her half-sisters (of whom Juli did not know about yet), against my wishes,  and then proceeded to tell Juli not to tell me or else “it was a possible truth” I would never let her and Juli be alone together again. Juli proceeded not to let on to her secret for weeks until she finally told Seth after having a major tantrum directed towards me.  Even though it took a good month or so, Juli, fortunately, is now not only back to her old self, she's better than ever.

Meanwhile, Mom is now back in the hospital. I spoke with her Saturday night, and we had a long talk, and she sounded fine. I learned Sunday from what her friend and I were able to piece together, she soon thereafter called 911 because of severe, constant vomiting.  They are still trying to determine the cause.

And, so, both Mom and Nana are in the hospital, the doctors not entirely clear why they are in the hospital, and I’m thanking God we had such a great vacation to England!

In rememberance

I’ve known Cheryl for, gosh, over 15 years now. She is, and will always be, one of my dearest, most cherished friends. Thursday night, her mother passed away. She had moved back East from Los Angeles, where I met her in the early 90s, in large part to spend more time with her mom, to heal old wounds, and to forge a new understanding in their relationship. Happily, Cheryl and her mom accomplished that before Thursday.

The story of her mom’s last days is a lesson to us all, if we’re given the choice as to how to die. Her mom had uterine cancer and by the time she died, it had spread quite a bit. Medicare had paid for a hospice nurse to not only help Cheryl’s mom but Cheryl herself since she had moved in recently to be closer to her Mom and to assist her Mom in daily living.

Earlier in the week, there had been an incident that would have prompted many people to have sent their loved one to the hospital, in an attempt to wrest a few more hours together.  Her Mom had had a seizure. However, Cheryl and the hospice nurse told the paramedics, who were summoned by  another loved one, to simply leave. They did. And thank God they did because a few days later, when she did pass away, she was in her own home, with Cheryl’s beloved cat of 2 decades resting on her Mom’s lap, and Cheryl and her sister singing to her. In other words, no machines or horrible lights or beeping or strangers—just love. 

May we all be so blessed.

Post-surgery

Mom made it out of surgery safely. More details later. Tired. Juli and I are back in Fort Worth after driving to Houston to pick up Mom late Thursday, bringing her back to Fort Worth Friday afternoon, taking her back to Houston Sunday afternoon, and then getting back here this afternoon. The rental car started at 1,500 miles. The odometer is now reading 2,600 miles and counting. Juli has been amazing. This has been a rough week and I have never loved her more. She has completely risen to the occasion. She has been a good sport and cooped up all day--either in a waiting room (beginning at 5:30am!) or in a car. She wants to go to the hotel pool, so we're heading out now! 

Health update

Mom returned to her oncologist for the first time in a few months and for her first follow-up, she got the all-clear. Her cancer is officially still in remission. Unlike many hospitals and doctors who may do a body scan, ct scan and/or pet scan, MD Anderson just does a pelvic exam and a CA-125 blood test. The thinking being that for women for whom ovarian cancer returns, any treatment would be pallative, not curative. Therefore, if Mom isn't having or displaying any symptoms, there is no need for any treatment. In all of the talk about how to make healthcare more affordable for everyone, it would be more common-sense approaches to health care like this which may hold the key. I'd be curious what the president would have to say about it, especially since his own mother died of ovarian cancer. In any case, it's cause to celebrate...though I will still be much relieved after she has her hip surgery, which is scheduled for a week from today. I'm definitely a bit nervous about it. Ironically, we will be in Texas at the time but up in Dallas instead of down in Houston. However, there is still some small comfort in knowing that we will be only a one-hour plan ride away in case we want/need to go down there.

Meanwhile, I'm sick. I caught a bug on the plane trip home Saturday and it has now traveled up from my throat and into my head. The good news is that it should be out of my system by the time we get back on the next plane come Friday. The bad news is...not being able to ride my bike for the handful of days we're in New York. Waah...More cruise news next time but I wanted to get the good news about Mom out first. Peace!

Farrah

I just talked about Farrah in group on Tuesday. I mentioned I had watched the special on NBC last month about her struggle with cancer. I actually watched it several weeks after it had aired. Just couldn't watch right away, but I knew I'd want to watch it at some point.

I decided to watch it after Juli had gone to bed but on an evening when Seth would be getting home late. Well, he got home earlier than I thought he would and there was still 30 minutes left. He couldn't understand why I was watching it. He thought the whole thing was just exploitative and that people would be tuning in to gawk. I agreed with him that there would be people doing that, but that people who had cancer or loved ones with cancer would find in her someone with whom they could relate because of her struggle to beat it and that in that commonality there is comfort. That is not to say that it couldn't have been produced better or as an analysis  in the New York Times said yesterday (click here), NBC could have at least put in a psa about the HPV vaccines, since it helps prevent the type of cancer Farrah had. It took several conversations, over several days, with Seth, but over time, he understood where I was coming from. It's not that I was a huge fan, though I loved "Charlie's Angels" as a kid. I think I looked up to her from a young age because of the simple fact that she was also from Texas and she left to pursue her dream. To me, that was inspirational as a kid.

Ok. Better run. Last day of school and I want to help Juli not be late...which has been a chronic problem this week!

Thursday update

I'm going to try to write every weekday, even if it's a brief update (like today)--that's my new goal, at least! And on that note....here's the short of it...

I took Juli to karate yesterday. They give you a few times in the course of the 6 months' you pay for up front to "freeze" your membership if you're going to be gone for a while. She missed two weeks last month because of our trip to Texas. I told the young lady at the front desk if the time could be frozen even though it was after the fact. I explained about Mom and she said sure. A few moments passed and I was still standing near her. The place is small and it was packed. She said, if you don't mind, how is your mom doing. I explained. She said, I know how you feel. My Dad had pancreatic cancer. He died. I asked how old she was when he passed away. She said it just happened. Two months ago. She can't be older than 30. I thought, my God, the things that we all go through in this life. None of us can escape hardship. It's inevitable. I gave her the name of Gilda's Club and she said she'd think about calling. 

Seth is going into Juli's classroom for a "career day" presentation. I think he's planning on deconstructing a section of Aquarius from Hair. I had to make sure he wasn't planning on playing the song Sodomy! After all, his parents took him to see Hair on Broadway when he was 4. Boundaries, people.

I'm hoping to catch up with friends, via email and phone calls, over the next few days. I'm weeks and weeks behind in reaching out as much as I should, especially at a time like this.

My blood pressure has been high and my doctor had ordered special blood work--all of which came back fine--and yesterday I did one of those cardio stress tests. That came back well, too. I hope this isn't a sign to God that I can take on more stress, because I really do think I've reached my karmic limit for the next several years at least!

Ok. That's it. Juli wants to eat breakfast at school this morning--bagels and cream cheese. All of which means I have to wake up Seth now! Until tomorrow...

Gilda's Club

Juli and I returned to Gilda's Club after having to miss the last two weeks--first because of our Texas trip, and last week because I was feeling under the weather. Juli was heartbroken we couldn't go last week, so she was especially excited about going. It ended up being three girls altogether around her age and they had a person come in to play Improv games, so she was right in her element.

As for me? Well, we make a promise to not reveal anything that goes on inside the room to anyone outside the room. However, I can say there is comfort that comes from being there and networking, too. It's a great place to get recommendations for doctors and hospitals in the city for all sorts of procedures--not just for cancer.

The support group is set up so that each person gets around 10-15 minutes to talk about their week. People ask questions or offer advice as the person's narrative unfolds. I was getting exhausting just describing the last few weeks, not all of which I can even write in a public forum such as this blog. However, just describing "a day in the life" while in Dallas for those four days was enough: Me rushing to the hotel (after being at the hospital all day) to pick up Mom and Juli, both of whom had been in the hotel all day, so that we could go out to eat and have some time together. Mom, after three chemo's, was wiped out physically, had been sleeping off and on all day, and Juli was stuck in a hotel room all day, drawing and watching television. Poor Juli quickly had her "winter vacation" turn into a week of dealing with hospitals, an often sleeping grandmother, a sick great-grandmother, and an often pre-occupied and busy father. Yippee in the fun department. For all of us...especially when the final morning we were there, as we were on our way out the door to go back to Houston, Juli had a major breakdown. Always a good way to end a stressful week.  

In any case, one of the good things about the support group, is that it's really filled with a bunch of caretaker-types like me, so people can relate, tell me to take care of myself, and then especially delight in hearing joyous news, like Seth and I being engaged. They all applauded when I showed them the ring. Supportive in both bad times and good. I look forward to next Tuesday night.

The new normal

Let's see...what does today hold in store? Well, for Juli, it's a huge day. She's having a sleepover with a girl she's been friends with since the beginning of first grade. I pick them both up at school at 3:20 and the fun begins...for them. I'm sure it will be fine, though they can both be wild little girls when together. The whole thing almost didn't happen after a near-tantrum after school this week. On the surface, it looks like it was food-related. She says she didn't have time to eat all of her lunch, which makes me think she was too busy visiting with friends to finish her meal. In any case, when I told her she could wait until we got home to have a snack and I wasn't going to buy anything, she stood on the sidewalk and said defiantly that she wasn't going anywhere until I bought her a snack. Now, this was after the same sort of behavior she had with Seth the day before. The solution? Instead of canceling her sleepover, we made her earn it with points. Being on her best behavior the rest of the week and helping me clean up her room. Needless to say, things improved and tonight she gets her wish.

As for me? Well, I get to have a physical. I was going to cancel. I gained back the weight I lost from earlier in the school year from South Beach. Stupid, really, to cancel because of that! But I guess there's that part of me that wants to have my yearly physical records to look better, not worse! However, I need to go and so I'm going. I know my blood pressure has been high and I'm not sleeping well. I don't like taking sleep medication but I discussed it with my therapist and we both think for the short-term, there's nothing wrong with it at all. My lack of sleep is not helping anything in my life at all right now.

Meanwhile, Seth is preparing for his show with Betty Buckley at Feinstein's beginning early next week. He's going to be working with her for four weeks. She's coming over tomorrow night to rehearse with Seth. So far, no complaints from the new neighbors about the music coming from our apartment Hopefully, the belting coming from Ms. Buckley tomorrow night won't get us evicted!

Today is Mom's third chemo. She's driving herself. My sister is still sick and Mom is confident she can do it. I know she can get there fine, it's the coming back that makes me nervous, but I'll be calling and checking in on her. I wish I was there to drive her myself...or better yet, that she was here, and I could just hail her a taxi!

It continues...

I guess I thought Mom would not be one of countless stories out there of women who have ovarian cancer. There was still a part of me that thought, that wished she would somehow escape the horrors of it all. After all, she was in such great shape in those days immediately following her surgery back in mid-December, even doing her little dance for me and Seth that afternoon after her first chemo, but now, 6 short weeks later, that is no longer the case.

She went to the oncologist yesterday to get her clearance for her third chemo scheduled for this Friday. She ended up waiting hours to see him apparently, and so by the time she went in there (and after throwing up), Mom was wiped out. Danielle has been sick and so didn't go in with Mom. In other words, by the time I finally talked to Mom last night about exactly what the doctor said, I didn't get all of my questions answered. I'll be calling them today.

Basically, though, the doctor said that most likely Mom will need a debulking surgery to remove the omentum (and other cancer he finds). This would be done before the fourth chemo. Mom had said she would delay moving here until after any surgery. However, it sounds like that will happen quite soon so she may move here in March or April yet. Her anemia is really bad and could possibly need not one but two transfusions next week. I worry about her having surgery in the condition she is in, but Seth tries to reasure me that they wouldn't operate if they didn't think she could handle it. It doesn't make me feel any better.

I continue to have nightmares. Last night I dreamt that Juli and I were riding a roller coaster that was out of control and was breaking down while we were actually on it. Interestingly, we stayed on it until the very end. I first knew something was wrong when the lady almost directly behind us started throwing up. But as the roller coaster went around and around, passengers were miraculously able to get off without getting hurt, and even dismantling their part of the roller coaster on the ground below us. But we stayed on--not giving up--but finally after looking at everyone else and realizing the roller coaster was never going to be fixed, I gave up, telling Juli that at least we got to be the very last passengers to ever ride this roller coaster that had been around for so long and had brought so many people so much joy. 

I hate these dreams.