GayDadsUSA

A new phase of the journey

 

So, I haven’t written in a while. There’s a reason for that. One should always go with one’s instincts. They’re usually always right. When I stopped the blog back in June, my instincts were correct.

I’m taking a break—whether it’s temporary or permanent, only time will tell.  Too much time and energy has been spent by myself—and conversations with Seth—as to what to include and not include in my blog. How do I tell the truth as I see it about my life and balance what's in my family's best interests? I’ve also received scathing emails about the content of my writings and, quite frankly, it’s not worth it. I will continue writing on my own. I’m writing a tv pilot based on my experiences—sort of gay single dad in the city, sort of thing—and I will return to my book. (if anyone has any publisher contacts, please let me know!)

 

That said, after the most stressful 12 months of my life, I feel more clear and grounded in who I am and where I am in my journey than I've ever been in my life and for that, I'm humbly grateful. As for updates? I will try to be more adept at Facebook. If you’d like to “friend” me there, just mention who you are, and I will do my best to at least put pictures and updates of some kind on there.

And life? Well,  it’s full, as always. Mom sold her house and will be moving in on September 19^th.She’s finally both cancer-free and pain-free thanks to her hip surgery.  Juli begins school on Wednesday, a new school that is highly lauded for working with bright, artistic kids with learning disabilities. Seth is busy with all of the things he does, including doing his show the past three Sundays, in which I sang the last two Sundays. And as for me? I’m still trying to juggle work and home life in order to find time to create.

Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive of me and my journey.  Your emails and kind words and the stories you have shared of your own lives have meant the world to me. Peace!

(here's the first rehearsal of me singing "Morning Glow" for Seth's show two Sundays ago--with Seth contributing to background vocals---an appropriate "send-off" I think!)

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Back in New York

Quick Mom update. She's up and about with her new hip, working with the physical therapist. She was sitting up waiting for her lunch when I spoke with her earlier today.

Got back last night. Seth, yesterday afternoon. Me and Juli at 9pm. I had wanted more time in Dallas so I could see my grandmother, which we were able to do, if only for a few hours. She looks so much better than the last time I saw her and the personality I've known all my life has returned. Obviously, many of the horrible side effects of the chemo are gone. Her memory is still poor but she's got someone at her house 5 or 6 hours a day now, which is a big help.

In any case, I had planned to spend most of Friday with her, as well as Monday and Tuesday. However, that all began to unravel when at the beginning of last week I learned that my sister would not be making the trip to Dallas. Mom would be going solo. Sis told Juli she would be moving that weekend and she couldn't make it. However, I had suspected something more was afoot. After all, they hadn't seen each other in over two months. No, I figured she was moving because she had no choice. I soon learned this was true.

Ok, so this is where I have to go...how much do I reveal about my life so that I'm both honest and protective of Juli? I've been thinking about the best way to approach this and what I've concluded is that I will write about the things Juli already knows and/or things that if someone read them here and revealed them to her, she would not be psychologically harmed.

All that said, I've also decided to not allow comments anymore. I welcome emails and do read them (even when I take forever to respond). However, I don't think I'm up for published negative comments which will surely follow from upcoming writing.

Hmm...there's a lot of background, some of which has already been written about, other stuff not so much. I think I'll write about Juli's biological father in the next blog entry. There's just too much to say.

From the cruise

It is freezing! We left Seattle yesterday afternoon and will be arriving at our first stop in Alaska tomorrow morning. Seth and I are planning on going on a hike while Mom and Juli will most likely be going about town with her friend Marie, whom she met on the last cruise.

Seattle was great...except for getting there. Mom threw up 3 or 4 times. I lost track. The plane was packed. I’ve never seen more kids and people in wheelchairs on a flight in my life...and I contributed one in each category!

Six and a half long hours later, we made it to Seattle. My best friend from College is a cop in Seattle so I’ve been to the city a number of times and know it well. I was able to show Mom and Juli the highlights—the public market, Pioneer Square, the monorail, and the Space Needle all in an afternoon...but it was a lot of walking...and pushing!

I met PJ briefly for coffee and he saw my mom again for the first time in 20 years. We all visited and then he picked me up when he got off duty and we had a nice dinner and walk around the lake near where he lives. His wife and her two kids are visiting her family in Japan, so I wasn’t able to see them, but it gave us a chance to catch up. He is in the Reserves and has voluntarily gone to various war zones in the past several years. We had a long conversation about it. Considering we both met in a Central American politics class in 1988, talking politics is very easy for us and fun. I haven’t seen him in 5 years and though I will never understand why someone would voluntarily go to a war zone, much less the Iraq/Afghanistan wars, I love him and am proud to call him my friend. Happy we’re in touch again.

I woke up at 3:45am Saturday morning. I normally wake up at 7 in NYC, so...time to wake up! Even though it’s still dark. It was a long day, but we all got on the ship no problem...which almost didn’t happen! On Thursday, I asked for mom’s passport number so I could check her in on-line. She didn’t have it. She thought because it was an Alaskan cruise (though we are stopping in Canada briefly) she didn’t need it. She frantically called a neighbour and instructed her as to where to find it in her house (luckily, mom has dogs and the neighbor has a key!) . I made calls to Fedex offices near her house in Texas. Long story short, her neighbour got the passport shipped Thursday and it was waiting for her at the motel when we checked in on Friday. Whew.

Lots more to talk about. I’m gonna wrap it up for now. I’m juggling work and vacation time but will do my best to write more soon. One exciting thing is seeing (and catching up) with a friend who actually watched (along with his now husband) Juli every morning when she was a baby while I was at work! It was a wonderful unexpected surprise. 

 

 

 

The big 4-0 week!

My 40th birthday ended up being really great. Seth had a little brunch for me. Seth had to work for a little bit, so me and Juli and Mom went to the Fashion District to pick out some fabric for some dresses she wants to make--with a lot of help from Mom. Seth met us and we went to Hill Country, this Texas BBQ place in the west 20s. The food was okay but the best part was they had my favorite soda--the Texas classic--Big Red. Apparently, this restaurant is the only place in NYC where you can get it (or so they claim).

Seth and I then put them in a cab so we could go see "Avenue Q." I had never seen it before and our friend Ann Harada was returning to the show and another friend, Anika Larsen, was beginning her run that night, as well. It was hilarious. My first time to see it and we all went out afterward for food and drink, including Ann's parents, who, because they live with her and her husband and 4-year-old son, she calls her butler and maid.

I rented a zip car on Tuesday so Mom, Juli, and I could go out to the burbs and get a sewing machine for Juli (for which she is paying half by doing chores around the house) and some patterns for dresses. We also got a mini gardenia "tree" for the backyard. It's mom's favorite plant and I've been having a hard time finding one that's reasonably priced, so we snatched it up and stuffed it into the car--managing not to lose one leaf or bud in the process.

Tuesday night Seth and I saw "Next to Normal." We had seen it off-Broadway last year with Alice Ripley and our friend Brian d'Arcy James, but we wanted to see it on Broadway (and the changes they made). Alice was amazing and we liked the changes they made to the book. We decided to wait afterward to say hello to Alice. Alice was on the first rfamily cruise I went on back in February of 2007. She, Seth, Paul Castree, and I had all played a late-night memorable game of "Celebrity" where Alice was in hysterics at my horrible hip-swaying imitation of Mae West. I hadn't seen her since and I wanted to say congrats. Seth has known her for years and wanted to do the same. Seth hadn't told her beforehand we would be coming so he just told the person at the backstage door we were there. She said she was in a meeting with stage management but to just wait and she'd give Alice the message. 20/30 minutes later Alice comes out and gives us a hug and chats for a little bit. There were a lot of fans waiting for her and she asked us if we'd mind waiting for her so we could catch up while she signed autographs. We said sure and waited for about 20 minutes. The fans slowly cleared out and then just as the final one was taken care of, Alice walked over to this guy standing away from the crowd and...they both just walked away!!! Didn't even turn back. Seth and I laughed so hard. We had ended up waiting for nearly an hour to have one minute with her and then she forgets us. She only has Wednesdays off, which means it was her 8th show of the week and we were sure was exhausted so we just found the whole thing hilarious. Seth emailed her when we got home telling her we were still waiting at the stage door.

Wednesday and today Mom has been in a lot of pain. She's sleeping a lot not because of any after effects of chemo or anything. It's because she has more painkillers in her than Rush Lumbaugh leaving a Florida pharmacy. She and Juli have been doing some sewing. In fact, today is such a nice day in NYC (60s and 70s) that I even set them up out in the backyard to work on the dress.

All right, I gotta pack. We leave for Seattle tomorrow and get on the ship Saturday. More from the ship!

good-bye 39, hello 40!

Seth got me a bike for my birthday and I just took it for a test spin...from our place on the Upper West Side all the way down to Battery Park. It was great! Super way to start my 40s!

Mom got in on Saturday. She's been somewhat sick to her stomach but most likely it's from all of the painkillers she's on because of her bad hip. Hopefully, all of that will go away once she has her surgery at the end of the month. Meanwhile, she rented a wheelchair for a month so we've been trekking around the city pushing her in it. She's even managed to take the subway, something she hasn't been able to do the last few trips of hers here. She could walk down the stairs and then we'd ride to a station that had an elevator and take it up to the street. She's lost weight and her hair has grown back in an inch or two. Looks really good. Soft, too.

Seth's got a little brunch planned for this afternoon and we might go to a show tonight.

As I was riding back, I said it aloud a few times, "I'm 40, I'm 40." A bit odd. I have such clear memories of my mom turning 40. Feels good though. I'm looking forward to the decade ahead! More tomorrow or Wednesday.

Updates Before 40

Mom is scheduled to get here Saturday around noon., I say scheduled because as much as I'd love to see her, and have her here for my 40th birthday on Monday, I'm not entirely convinced she will make it. She had a few weeks there that were pretty good but this has been a rough week again. Her hip surgery is scheduled for July 27. I'm hoping all of this is only related to the pain and the toil that the cancer and the hip stuff has had on her body this year.

Meanwhile, I'm moving ahead as if she will come here, of course, which means getting her room ready and my crap out from under the bed and on the floor! Also, putting finishing touches on the backyard. Hopefully, we'll be able to spend time out there. It may be wet, but the weather doesnt appear to be heading for record temperatures as it did when I turned 30 and Mom was here and upper Manhattan ended up in a blackout for several days beginning the night of July 6th because everyone was running their air conditioners!

The Ragtime audition on Tuesday went great. Seth ended up not playing for me. It was only music from the show and I was called Tuesday morning to say the creative team only wanted their pianist, who will be playing for the show itself. They were running behind, so it actually helped me to have Seth look after Juli while I was there. Who knows what will happen next, but I nailed it. I told my friends at Gilda's Club Tuesday night that it's as if this whole cancer thing has given me a courage I never had when walking into a room full of strangers and auditioning. I sang the two solos Tateh has in the show and read one of the scenes from the second act. Like with the Phantom 2 callback in May, I just feel so grateful that I'm here doing what I love and am proud of myself for not giving up--which I did, actually, but not for too long.  

I think because of all of the work I've done in preparation for this audition and prior to that the Phantom ones, I'm not itching to perform on the ship. For that reason, and I think I just want a real vacation and not have to worry about anything from the moment I get on until the moment I get off it, I don't think I'm going to sing in the opening show. I think I just want to sit next to my mom in the audience. I actually talked to my grandmother about it today and she said mom would want to hear me sing, but I can always sing in the piano bar some late night. We'll see.

I still have not heard anything about my request for a meeting with the NYC schools regarding my concerns about Juli and next year. I sent the letter May 6 and I know from the return receipt that they received it a few days later, so I faxed the region office this morning re-requesting the meeting.

Ok. Time to get Juli to bed before Seth and I watch the movie "Hair." He heads to Sag Harbor on Long Island tomorrow morning to do Betty Buckley's show for a few performances.

Ok, it turns out I could only stop writing for 3 weeks...

 

Yes, I'm back. I was so touched by the emails I received when I decided to suspend the blog and then today I discovered the blog was listed by the The Lesbian and Gay Foundation in the UK as one of the 100 best LGBT blogs out on the Web. And so I thought...well, maybe I should return to write. Besides, the bottom line is I am a writer at heart and my fingers were aching to write many times in the past three weeks!

Now that "I'm back" what's up?, you may ask. Well, a lot. The biggest thing to happen is that Juli got accepted into one of the best private schools in the city for kids with learning disabilities. It involved a very detailed application, an interview with me, and two interviews with Juli. The school targets bright kids like Juli with an artistic bent, who also need special attention when it comes to learning. All that said, nothing is guaranteed. We still need to meet with the special ed committee to discuss the next step for her. If I don't, and just go off on my own, I have to come up with the $39,000 myself. Yes, it costs that much. I would love for her to continue going to her neighborhood public school. She loves it, has so many friends, she and Seth have their special together time every morning when he takes her to school, she has had an amazing classroom teacher this year. However, all that said, her scores have dropped. I had her tests updated at the beginning of the school year and now at the end of this school year and over half of her reading and math scores dropped. All of which has been heartbreaking. I've given the public schools a shot here in New York for three years (including having Juli repeat first grade twice), two of which have included special ed services. I felt like I had no choice but to begin widening my options for Juli's future. Maybe the committee will come up with another alternative. Clearly, the status quo is no longer an option.

On a brighter note, Seth, Juli, and I went to Governor's Island for Father's Day and had the best time. It was a short, free ferry ride, right next to the Staten Island Ferry in downtown. We rented bikes and rode around the island, exploring. Some artists installed a miniature golf course and we partook, though I got a bit of a sunburn in the process. The sunscreen was not packed because there was a flash flood watch in effect all day, so we weren't expecting the sun to be beating down on us the whole time! It also happened to be punk day, so everywhere we went a punk band was playing spewing lyrics that weren't exactly "family friendly." However, it was so loud, I don't know how much was actually understood by Juli! Seth insisted we get a picture with a few punkers. Because we weren't expecting the sun, neither Seth nor I brought sunglasses. Juli let Seth borrow hers and the bike rental people let me have some woman's sunglasses that were left behind earlier in the week, as you can well see in this picture and that Seth includes in his column on Playbill!

Until next time...

So long for now...

So this post has been several months in the making. It's time to move on--time to take a break from the blog. At least for a while.

As has been obvious for some time, this site stopped being a blog by, and for (primarily), gay dads a while back and is really now all about my life and lately a lot about my mom's life with cancer. I still think there is a place out in cyberspace for a site like gaydadsusa, a site which contains the stories of the increasing number of gay men in America who are becoming fathers. However, I'm just not the one to do it, not right now. Perhaps I will return with a jameswesley.com type site or maybe I will give in and update my Facebook page (you can reach me there--just mention gaydadsusa in your messages).  Maybe I'll do both.

In the meantime, I'm going to tend to my garden, turn 40 next month, prepare for Juli's next step with school after the summer (we've explored many options), write, and sing.

Sing. That was the main reason I returned to New York with Juli nearly three years ago. I haven't gone on a lot of auditions. And in the last 6 months? Only one. For the Phantom of the Opera sequel.

I don't think I wrote about this story because, in a way, I guess I didn't want to jinx things, but since I won't be writing on this blog for a while, what the heck? Here goes...

This is back in April. I went to the initial audition with Seth, who plays for me, and Juli, who was off from school because it was spring break. I sang my song, forgot a third of the lyrics (repeating the same ones over and over but with the correct melody), and we were on our way to Vermont. It was for the assistant casting director and four of the production people. Didn't hear anything.

Two weeks later I got a call saying they were interested in me and would be calling me soon to audition again.

A week later they call to tell me I need to go to a dance call. I say great. (though I hadn't been to a dance call in 10 years) They tell me it's on the days Juli and I are going to Texas (first Monday and Tuesday in May). I tell them Mom has cancer and I have to go to Texas, but thanks for thinking of me and call me if anything changes.

They call me. The day after Juli and I get back from Texas. The casting people call to ask if I'm available the next day to dance and then sing. He tells me not to worry if I see mainly dancers. For once, I don't worry. Seth re-arranges his schedule to play for me that afternoon.

That morning, I'm nervous but excited--also extremely calm. I feel deserving and that "my time" has arrived. I also have a deep sense that no matter what happens, the most important thing is that I didn't give up--in spite of everything that has happened in my life, I still have my dream and am still "in the game."

I arrive 10 minutes until 12. The hallways are filled with guys stretching. Almost all of the guys are not only dancers but under 30. I go to the bathroom, I come out, and they're all gone. They're already in the rehearsal space.  The room is small and packed. I find a space in the back to the side. Jerry Mitchell, the choreographer, is teaching the combination. Or so I think. He announces he's going to review what they did on Monday. I turn to the guy next to me and say, "You guys already learned this?" He says, "Yes, but it's easy." Easy for him to say. He's 25 and a dancer. Jerry starts "reviewing" it. I can't see him well so while the dance is happening, I'm winding my way through the guys to get to the other side of the room so I can see better, saying "Excuse me" at least 6 or 7 times as I keep getting hit by arms and legs as the guys continue to dance. By the time I get to the other side, the review is over and it's time to get into groups.

I go to the asst. casting director and remind him I wasn't here on Monday and that I'm game but I wanted Jerry to know it was my first time doing this. There was not enough room to dance along when the smaller groups danced. I just tried to memorize the very first moves, the last moves, and whatever else I could remember that was in the middle! However, it was in these moments, that in the past, I would've panicked. Instead, I stood there almost crying. For joy. Here I was in a sweaty New York rehearsal room, auditioning for a new show written by Andrew Lloyd Webber, with all of the production team there except for Webber, and I was in the running. I hadn't given up. I was still here. I didn't know what would happen when it would be my turn, but I knew in my heart that whatever happened, it would be perfect.

I did the "review," meaning my first time to dance it (about 90 seconds of music, I'd guess). And then it was time for it to "count." In other words, Jerry Mitchell and Jack O'Brien, the director, would be taking notes. Everyone is so supportive at these auditions, applauding after each group finished. Everyone went, except for me. I was called last. The assistant casting director said, "James Wesley?" Me: "Right here." All eyes are on me. He says to Jerry, then me: "James wasn't here on Monday. James, do you want to go?" I say, "Sure, just put a dancer in front of me and I'll give it a shot." Jerry puts a dancer in front of me and beside me who had already danced. I remember the opening, a lot of the middle (after I saw the other dancers!) and I did the big finish--on one knee with arms straight out, palms up, with a big smile on my face. The applause was the loudest for my group. I felt like I had done my best.

We go out into the hall. Several of the guys give me encouraging words. And then we are all told no one will be singing. I'm disappointed but happy with the audition. It is all over in less than 30 minutes.

The next day I get a call. It's the assistant casting director. "We're really interested in you for the show. It's been postponed and we won't audition again until August or September, but we want you to know we're really interested in you and wanted to give you a heads up."

And that's where things stand. I feel good about the decisions surrounding each step of the way--from not letting the lyric foul-up mess me up to being willing to let it all go because I had to go to Texas to not running out of that dance audition, but instead giving it my all. I'd love to get the show and will work hard this summer getting in shape for the next step in the process, but I'd also be content with this being all there is to the experience.

Moving forward. Not giving up. Believing in one's self and holding on to dreams. The reasons I moved back here with Juli after I adopted her. The lesson I wanted to teach her. Am teaching her.

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Reach out to me on Facebook. I appreciate so much all of your comments over the past year and a half and the support from everyone who has read this blog. I'll be back! Stay in touch...

Economize!

The key word lately has been "economize." That's a familiar word now for many people. Work has been slow. And I do mean slow. I've had to cut back a lot. Juli knows there won't be summer camp. She and I have started packing our lunches on weekends. AND doing more free activities.

I've also decided to make it part of my life's adventure right now. I actually have a budget now AND following it. Because I have more time on my hands, I'm able to really organize all those piles of paper and plastic bins of "junk." It has felt great to clear things out and start using those gift cards and gift certificates that are scattered throughout those piles!

I've also been looking for other ways to economize. This past weekend Juli and I went to a composting workshop (which will allow us to do our own recycling and one day hopefully stop the trips to buy fertilizer) and we also got some free seedlings. Juli picked out 2 watermelons, 1 pumpkin, and a carrot! The herbs used in our meals now come exclusively from our garden. In the next week or so I'd say we can start using the lettuce we're growing out there for our salads. It has all been so grounding. I've made peace with all that is happening and am making the most of it. And in the process, I'm becoming a gardener and a cook!

5 more weeks left of school and this happens...

Earlier this week, when I was picking up Juli, her teacher motioned that she needed to speak to me. Never a good sign. I asked Juli what I was going to hear. She said her teacher would tell me. After the most of the kids had been picked up, I heard the story.

Juli and this other little girl we shall call Hillary have had a love/hate relationship all year-long, so I wasn't surprised to hear that they had been bickering during the day. The unsettling part was hearing what it led to--Hillary declaring in a derogatory way that Juli had gay dads and, interestingly, that her uncle was NOT gay. Juli told her teacher, who in turn had a talk with Hillary.

They were going on a field trip later that day so the teacher decided to tell Hillary's mom, who happened to be one of the chaperones. The mom was completely unapologetic, saying they were Seventh-Dad Adventists and they believed homosexuality was wrong and she didn't like seeing two men holding hands and being affectionate. The teacher was shocked, she later told me. She explained to the mom that it was New York City (they're from Georgia) and that there are all types of families and that those beliefs cannot be expressed to another child in the school. The mother was unrepentant.

The teacher couldn't understand why I wasn't more upset. I said I was upset but that I had been expecting this to happen all year...ever since I found out in the fall their religion through a conversation I had with the mother. When the kids liked each other, I had been inquiring about playdates and the mom said Saturdays were out because they wer Seventh-Day Adventists. I knew then the mom would never let her kid be alone with me or Seth. And it never did happen, though their "hate" phase handled the not-getting-together part all by itself.

The teacher said she would tell the assistant principal and that next week she would have a discussion about different types of families. She also said she'd look up the religion when she got home!

I had been preparing Juli for a day like this for several years. I've told her that there are many people who disapprove of me being gay or Seth and I being together. I've told her that one of the reasons we couldn't live in Texas was because there are laws there that are against people being gay. On her first rfamily cruise, in February of 2007, she was part of a discussion for kids in which they talked about this very subject. I  believe all of that (and being surrounded by supportive people) have helped as much as they possibly can for an event such as this.

Her teacher did have her see a guidance counselor at school to talk about it. The assistant principal had a talk with Hillary and her mother yesterday. I'm very much appreciate how the school is handling it. If we had stayed in Irving, Texas, where our state representative was a Republican who voted against gay men and lesbians being able to adopt, I doubt very much the school response would have been so swift and positive. Still, I wish for many reasons I had had more time and energy this year to have worked on a more preventative program--discussing all types of families--school-wide. In the meantime, I'm grateful that Juli has a teacher with whom she feels safe enough to go to in times like this and I also say a prayer for Hillary, that she doesn't grow up to be a bigoted and closed-minded adult.